GENTLENESS
OF MANNERS
WITH
FIRMNESS, OR RESOLUTION OF MIND
I DO
not know any one rule so unexceptionably useful and necessary in every part of
life, as to unite gentleness of manners with firmness of mind. The first
alone would degenerate and sink into a mean, timid complaisance and
passiveness, if not supported and dignified by the latter; which would also deviate
into impetuosity and brutality, if not tempered and softened by the other: however,
they are seldom united. The warm, choleric man, with strong animal spirits,
despises the first, and thinks to carry all before him by the last. He may,
possibly, by great accident, now and then succeed, when he has only weak and
timid people to deal with; but his general fate will be, to shock, offend, be
hated, and fail. On the other hand, the cunning, crafty man, thinks to gain all
his ends by gentleness of manners only: he becomes all things
to all men; he seems to have no opinion of his own, and
servilely adopts the present opinion of the present person: he insinuates
himself only into the esteem of fools, but is soon detected and surely despised
by everybody else. The wise man (who differs as much from the cunning as from
the choleric man) alone joins softness of manners with firmness of mind.
DELIVER
COMMANDS WITH MILDNESS
THE advantages arising from an union of these qualities
are equally striking and obvious. For example: If you are in authority, and
have a right to command, your commands delivered with mildness and gentleness
will be willingly, cheerfully, and consequently well obeyed; whereas, if given brutally,
they will rather be interpreted than executed. For a cool, steady resolution
should show, that where you have a right to command you will be obeyed; but, at
the same time, a gentleness in the manner of enforcing that obedience should
make it a cheerful one, and soften, as much as possible, the mortifying
consciousness of inferiority.
ASK A
FAVOUR WITH SOFTNESS
IF you are to ask a favor, or even to solicit your due,
you must do it with a grace, or you will give those who have a mind to refuse
you a pretence to do it, by resenting the manner; but, on the other hand, you
must, by a steady perseverance and decent tenaciousness, show firmness and
resolution. The right motives are seldom the true ones of men's actions,
especially of people in high stations; who often give to importunity and fear
what they would refuse to justice or to merit. By gentleness and softness
engage their hearts, if you can; at least prevent the pretence of offence; but
take care to show resolution and firmness enough to extort from their love of
ease, or their fear, what you might in vain hope for from their justice or
good-nature. People in high life are hardened to the wants and distresses of
mankind, as surgeons are to their bodily pains: they see and hear of them all
day long, and even of so many simulated ones, that they do not know which are
real and which not. Other sentiments are therefore to be applied to, than those
of mere justice and humanity. Their favor must be captivated by the graces,
their love of ease disturbed by unwearied importunity, or their fears wrought
upon by a decent intimation of implacable cool resentment. This precept is the
only way I know in the world of being loved without being despised, and feared
without being hated. It constitutes the dignity of character, which every wise
man must endeavor to establish.
CHECK
HASTINESS OF TEMPER
TO conclude. If you find that you have a hastiness in
your temper, which unguardedly breaks out into indiscreet sallies, or rough
expressions to either your superiors, your equals, or your inferiors, watch it
narrowly, check it carefully, and call the graces to your assistance. At the
first impulse of passion, be silent till you can be soft. Labor even to get the
command of your countenance so well, that those emotions may not be read in it;
a most unspeakable advantage in business! On the other hand, let no
complaisance, no gentleness of temper, no weak desire of pleasing on your
part,—no wheedling, coaxing, nor flattery, on other people's,—make you recede
one jot from any point that reason and justice have bid you pursue; but return
to the charge, persist, persevere, and you will find most things attainable
that are possible. A yielding, timid meekness is always abused and insulted by
the unjust and the unfeeling; but when sustained by firmness and resolution, is
always respected, commonly successful.
In your friendships and connections, as
well as in your enmities, this rule is particularly useful: let your firmness
and vigor preserve and invite attachments to you; but, at the same time, let
your manner hinder the enemies of your friends and dependents from becoming
yours: let your enemies be disarmed by the gentleness of your manner; but let
them feel, at the same time, the steadiness of your just resentment; for there
is a great difference between bearing malice, which is always ungenerous, and a
resolute self-defense, which is always prudent and justifiable.
BE
CIVIL, &C., TO RIVALS OR COMPETITORS
SOME people
cannot gain upon themselves to be easy and civil to those who are either their
rivals, competitors, or opposers, though, independently of those accidental
circumstances, they would like and esteem them. They betray a shyness and
awkwardness in company with them, and catch at any little thing to expose them;
and so, from temporary and only occasional opponents, make them their personal
enemies. This is exceedingly weak and detrimental, as, indeed, is all humor in
business; which can only be carried on successfully by unadulterated good
policy and right reasoning. In such situations I would be more particularly
civil, easy, and frank with the man whose designs I traversed: this is commonly
called generosity and magnanimity, but is, in truth, good sense and policy. The
manner is often as important as the matter; sometimes more so: a favor may make
an enemy, and an injury may make a friend, according to the different manner in
which they are severally done. In fine, gentleness of manners, with firmness of
mind, is a short but full description of human perfection on this side of
religious and moral duties.
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