GOOD-BREEDING
GOOD-BREEDING has been very justly defined to be “the
result of much good sense, some good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake
of others, and with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them.”
Good-breeding cannot be attended to too
soon or too much; it must be acquired while young, or it is never quite easy;
and, if it is acquired young, will always last and be habitual. Horace* says, Quo
semel est imbula recens, servabit odorem testa diu: to show the advantage
of giving young people good habits and impressions in their youth.
Good-breeding alone can prepossess people
in our favour at first sight; more time being necessary to discover greater
talents. Good-breeding, however, does not consist in low bows and formal
ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour.
Indeed, good
sense, in many cases, must determine good-breeding; for what will be civil at
one time, and to one person, would be rude at another time, and to another
person. There are, however, some general rules of good breeding. As for
example: To answer only “Yes” or “No” to any person, without adding “Sir,” “My
Lord,” or “Madam,” (as it may happen,) is always extremely rude; and it is
equally so not to give proper attention and a civil answer when spoken to: such
behaviour convinces the person who is speaking to us, that we despise him, and
do not think him worthy of our attention or an answer.
A well-bred person will take care to
answer with complaisance when he is spoken to; will place himself at the lower
end of the table, unless bid to go higher; will first drink to the lady of the
house, and then to the master; he will not eat awkwardly or dirtily, nor sit
when others stand; and he will do this with an air of complaisance, and not
with a grave, ill-natured look, as if he did it unwillingly.
There is nothing more difficult to attain,
or so necessary to possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally
inconsistent with a stiff formality, an impertinent forwardness, and an awkward
bashfulness. A little ceremony is sometimes necessary; a certain degree of
firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming.
Virtue and learning, like gold, have their
intrinsic value; but if they are not polished, they certainly lose a great deal
of their luster: and even polished brass will pass upon more people than rough
gold. What a number of sins does the cheerful, easy, good-breeding of the
French frequently cover!
My Lord Bacon says, “that a pleasing
figure is a perpetual letter of recommendation.” It is certainly an agreeable
forerunner of merit, and smoothes the way for it.
A man of good-breeding should be
acquainted with the forms and particular customs of courts.
At Vienna, men always make courtesies instead
of bows, to the emperor: in France, nobody bows to the king, nor kisses his
hand: but in Spain and England, bows are made, and hands are kissed. Thus every
court has some peculiarity, of which those who visit them ought previously to
inform themselves, to avoid blunders and awkwardnesses.
Very few, scarcely any, are wanting in the
respect which they should show to those whom they acknowledge to be infinitely
their superiors. The man of fashion and of the world expresses it in its
fullest extent; but naturally, easily, and without concern: whereas a man who
is not used to keep good company expresses it awkwardly; one sees that he is
not used to it, and that it costs him a great deal. But I never saw the
worst-bred man living guilty of lolling, whistling, scratching his head, and
such like indecencies, in company that he respected. In such companies,
therefore, the only point to be attended to is, to show that respect which
everybody means to show, in an easy, unembarrassed, and graceful manner.
In mixed companies, whoever is admitted to
make part of them, is, for the time at least, supposed to be upon a footing of
equality with the rest; and consequently everyone claims, and very justly,
every mark of civility and good-breeding. Ease is allowed, but carelessness and
negligence are strictly forbidden. If a man accosts you, and talks to you ever
so dully or frivolously, it is worse than rudeness, it is brutality, to show
him, by a manifest inattention to what he says, that you think him a fool or a
blockhead, and not worth hearing. It is much more so with regard to women; who,
of whatever rank they are, are entitled, in consideration of their sex, not
only to an attentive but an officious good-breeding from men. Their little
wants, likings, dislikes, preferences, antipathies, fancies, whims, and even
impertinences, must be officiously attended to, flattered, and, if possible,
guessed at and anticipated by a well-bred man. You must never usurp to yourself
those conveniences and 'agremens' which are of common right; such as the
best places, the best dishes, etc., but, on the contrary, always decline them
yourself, and offer them to others; who, in their turns, will offer them to
you: so that, upon the whole, you will, in your turn, enjoy your share of
common right.
The third sort of good-breeding is local,
and is variously modified in not only different countries, but in different
towns of the same country. But it must be founded upon the two former sorts;
they are the matter, to which, in this case, fashion and custom only give the
different shapes and impressions. Whoever has the first two sorts will easily
acquire this third sort of good-breeding, which depends singly upon attention
and observation. It is properly the polish, the lustre, the last finishing
strokes of good-breeding. A man of sense therefore carefully attends to the
local manners of the respective places where he is, and takes for his models
those persons whom he observes to be at the head of the fashion and
good-breeding. He watches how they address themselves to their superiors, how
they accost their equals, and how they treat their inferiors; and lets none of
those little niceties escape him, which are to good-breeding what the last
delicate and masterly touches are to a good picture, and which the vulgar have
no notion of, but by which good judges distinguish the master. He attends even
to their air, dress, and motions, and imitates them liberally and not
servilely; he copies, but does not mimic. These personal graces are of very
great consequence. They anticipate the sentiments, before merit can engage the
understanding; they captivate the heart, and gave rise, I believe, to the
extravagant notions of charms and philtres. Their effects were so surprising,
that they were reckoned supernatural.
In short, as it is necessary to possess
learning, honour, and virtue, to gain the esteem and admiration of mankind, so
politeness and good-breeding are equally necessary, to render us agreeable in
conversation and common life. Great talents are above the generality of the
world, who neither possess them themselves, nor are competent judges of them in
others; but all are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability,
and an agreeable address and manner; because they feel the good effects of
them, as making society easy and agreeable.
To conclude: Be assured that the
profoundest learning, without good-breeding, is unwelcome and tiresome
pedantry; and good-breeding, without learning, is but frivolous; whereas
learning adds solidity to good-breeding, and good-breeding gives charms and
graces to learning; that a man, who is not perfectly well-bred, is unfit for
good company, and unwelcome in it; and that a man who is not well-bred, is full
as unfit for business as for company.
Make, then, good-breeding the great object
of your thoughts and actions. Observe carefully the behaviour and manners of
those who are distinguished by their good-breeding; imitate, nay, endeavour to
excel, that you may at least reach them; and be convinced that good-breeding
is, to all worldly qualifications, what charity is to all Christian virtues.
Observe how it adorns merit, and how often it covers the want of it.
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